what’s funny is that as soon as i declare a big writing project, i tend to lose my writing juju-ice. it never fails and i’ve seen this phenomenon in myself many times before.
i’m going to be a speech writer! and so i get a job doing that, do well, and freak out in a way that causes me to lose all confidence in myself.
i’m going to write every single day! macbook left cold, journals gotten dusty.
i’m going to be a journalist! and so i get a job at a local newspaper, do well, and freak out in a way that even my doctor says i should leave the job.
i’m going to write the next great american novel! *crickets* that’s NEVER gone well.
the thing is, i love writing, i really do. but i’ve noticed that when i put pressure on myself to do so, i end up buckling, not enjoying the process, and eventually do less writing than before any great proclamation. this really freaks me out because it sort of dashes any dreams of being landing a book deal and then writing on a deadline.
but really, at the end of the day, i don’t really care anymore. i don’t need to be the next great american novelist, journalist, columnist, satirist, or even smart ass-ist. i just need to trust the process and do what i do best — enjoy writing because i enjoy writing.
i don’t need the pressure of wondering if what i’m writing is going to offend who knows who or going to make me look like a royal bitch. i don’t need the pressure of wondering if what i’m writing is going to be unpopular — or worse — that no one is reading it in the first place.
i’m going back to basics here. where i should have gone years ago. i’m going back to that place where the five-year-old version of me sat with her little notebook and pencil and wrote poems and stories because they made her smile.
i mean really, if i’m not smiling, what’s really the point of it all anyway?