i’ve been thinking about my first husband lately.
no, not in that way silly. i’m pleased as punch with my man and our life. it’s just that sometimes i think about the soul that i spent nearly 8 years with and wonder how he’s doing.
this tends to happen around this time of the year because he just celebrated a birthday yesterday. it’s as if another year has gone by in his life and i wonder how it’s all treating him.
it’s not out of the ordinary for exes to not have friendships or even talk at all and i realize that, but he’s someone i do sometimes wish that i could connect with now and again.
breaking up with someone really is one of the hardest things to do. no matter the circumstances (and whoa baby did i play a huge part in our marriage ending), at the end of the day, the person we end up saying goodbye to was once someone we couldn’t wait to get our arms around. funny how radically those things change.
as i sit here and write this i can hear my son and husband playing in the next room. i smile as i hear my son’s laughter and my husband doing things to make that laughter go on for even longer. there’s just something about that laugh that fuels our days. there’s something about that laughter that reminds me that i’m right where i should be in my life.
thinking about my ex doesn’t mean that i want to be with him again. or that i want to leave my husband. or that i’m secretly wishing my life were different somehow because none of that is true.
thinking about my ex means there was this person in my life who was my best friend for a number of years and who i no longer have any contact with anymore.
i did a silly thing last week. i reached out to him on facebook. (oh facebook, you make life a little too complicated sometimes).
i let him know i knew he had a birthday coming up and that i was wondering if the five years that had passed were enough for him to consider rekindling a friendship. i also added how hard it was for me to write to him because i knew the risk of him not responding at all.
and you want to know how he responded?
what i love (and hate) about facebook is that i know he read my message and that it didn’t get lost in the dark cyber world. in fact he read it within minutes of me sending it. but he chose not to respond.
there are probably a number of reasons he didn’t write me back. maybe he was busy. maybe he forgot. maybe he plain just didn’t want to (the most likely of the three).
and i don’t think we ever will be friends again. and i’m learning to be okay with that.
i realized once again how different i am from when he and i were married. and the truth is, he probably is, too. and sometimes old memories really are best left in the past. or at least left to once every april.
so here’s to letting go…again. and to holding on even tighter to what i have in my life at this very moment.
and that’s more than okay because the laughter in the other room is all i’ll ever want and need.