I heard someone I admire recently be interviewed and say that she never writes about anything while she’s going through it. When she’s in it, she’s in it and that’s not the time to be writing about it.
I have to disagree.
For me, if I don’t write while I’m in it, I lose the raw emotion and feeling that surrounds me. If I wait until I’m out of it all, I tend to forget the little details and moments that gave me clarity through the pain. Simply put, I just can’t wait.
Sometimes it’s all too much. Right now is one of those times and I thought about keeping shit to myself and waiting until I am out of it all to share. The thing is, if I wait, I’ll never share.
I often worry about living in the moment and this is the best way I know how. It’s not that I don’t dip a toe into the past and the future now and then, but sharing how I’m feeling right now is what keeps me afloat. It’s what keeps me honest.
And if I’m being honest, I feel like shit right now.
The last two months have held a lot of pain for me. Pressure. Longing. Unknowing. In a nutshell, I feel like I really have no clue what I’m doing with life.
I have a husband who loves me, a son who amazes me, and a life that to most looks pretty rosy. Yet, inside, I feel this heaviness. This pain.
I’m not sure what to do with it and I’m not necessarily looking for an answer right this minute either. I just wanted to make sure I got it out before I forgot what this felt like.
Why do I want to remember the pain?
Because remembering things like this is what makes the happy moments that much more to savor. And man am I ever looking forward to that…